Not Too Random a Train of Thought

People can surprise you. 

In the tiniest ways. They can do or say something you never thought they would, and make that moment you share with them, just a little bit different. I realised that I should never let myself dismiss anyone by cementing my opinion of them. What everyone needs is the benefit of doubt. Maybe thats all they need; to be everything other than what you thought of them, or what anyone else did. I realised that I kid myself when I say I've made my peace with my judgement of them. 

It wasn't easy to realise this; I thought I was at least fairly non-judgemental. It set me off wondering about how many times I have done that and to how many people. I wasn't proud of the list-- I was overwhelmed. I felt incredibly cruel. And after I realised this-- every time I found myself in a situation where I was too quick to judge, I immediately had a conversation with myself trying to change my own mind-- which just made me feel worse-- because it happened more often than I could handle. Soon all I found myself doing was having conversations with myself about why I shouldn't make a judgement about someone or something. 

I was sickened, and I didn't know what made me the way I was. I couldn't know. If I couldn't know, I couldn't blame, and without blame, I was in this swirling pool of noxious uncertainty-- and I didn't know how to make my way back to where I was or where I knew I should be. 

I still feel cruel, but I know the people around me aren't. And I find that changing me, somehow.